The Bastard Pleasure by Sean McGrady

Author:Sean McGrady
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Dzanc Books
Published: 2013-12-15T00:00:00+00:00

Murderers, monsters, beasts. That series of ideas was where I was in reality, brutally back to the cold yard far from the world of the word of God to the words of mammon McGraw. McGraw was close, closer than Jesus, something I didn’t think was possible. He was his own inadequate bodily expression of a perfect, divine creation. I knew he had no idea in his head of this pure redeeming world. But I felt at that time there was such power in this world of the pure spirit, that anyone, even McGraw, coming into contact with it would be unable to resist it.

If only he could just be persuaded into the presence of the holy Preacher Davy Prebble, to feel the renewing reverberations of his mighty message, he would no longer make lust his governing aim of life. It would be inevitable. At this moment however, I felt trapped with no possibility of escape. I was in his world with his rules, the rules I was more and more willing to follow. He was converting me to his truth and convincing me of his way to salvation. The place was as quiet at this point as I had ever experienced it. Just standing there, still, in the still absence of spirit, in the cold physical world, I heard my own body creak with weakness.

Trapped! declared McGraw emphatically. Do you feel trapped, Seamus? The ambiguity of his question struck me immediately. Trapped by him or that we were both in the trap here not knowing what to do? He spoke before I answered. He spoke in a gritty whisper.

Here is a story of trappedness. I was playing an exhausting game with my big fat father—and he was big, huge—playing before bed, something like wrestling, but just messing about. It got rough. I got into bed exhausted and lay looking up at him breathing heavier and heavier as he came closer to me, as he usually did, to tuck me in and give me a rub on the hair and a kiss. But as he got closer he never stopped getting closer and his heavy breathing became a loud gasping. His body eclipsed the small light on the other side of the room and then the whole room itself as he dropped on top of me as dead as a dodo. A dead dodo weight. I felt this massive fucking weight on my chest and stomach and especially on my chest and I struggled to get from under him but couldn’t shift the massive frame. My arms were locked beneath him and only a part of my head and my legs peeped out from under him. I could get no leverage to get him off or get from under him. I shouted at him to get off, not knowing entirely his state of deadness. Maybe, I was thinking, he was still playing the game but I couldn’t hear him breathing. I heard only myself breathing. More and more a case of wheezing.

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